My name is Dallas Douchebag, but my friends call me Cash McMogulson, because I look like I have so much fucking cash. I drive a BMW, it’s so hot and douchey. Fuck yeah. I work at a telemarketing job, but I have no problem buying a $300 pair of jeans or an awesome Affliction graphic tee, just so I could get all the pussy in Dallas. Zoing.
Ladies fucking flock to me – sometimes I go home alone but that’s only because I turned down all the skank asses at the club that night. Skanks. “Take this Jager bomb on me, skank, cause you ain’t getting none of this.” That’s my fuckin awesome pickup line. You’ve probably seen me at the club.. that was me dancing like an idiot on the dancefloor with my Gucci shades on (indoors, mind you) and my “Growing Up Gotti” haircut.
My interests are lifting mad weights at the gym. I consume so much protein powder in one day, that sometimes I shit whole hamhocks. I fucking snort protein powder, cause I want to get so huge. Then I’ll really get all the tail on Greenville.
I haven’t had a girlfriend in years. My last one said I was immature. Screw her, she’s the immature skank… sick burn. Plus she wasn’t in my league. I’m way too douchey and hot, anyways.
I can be spotted in a number of places: at the hippest clubs in town (valeting my BMW, but not tipping), at SMU pretending to be a student to get laid by all the college chicks, at the Denny’s on a Sunday morning talking too loudly and obscenely about how hungover I am and how many skanks’ numbers I got the night before, at the library (I don’t read much, just the label on my SuperSpike Douche Hair Gel, but I like a smart chick, so fuck it, library it is)
Anyways, if you like what you see, hit me up kitty kat. I’ll be sure to respond to your message as douchily as possible.
P.S. Just playin'
